Donald Trump showers Puerto Rico with paper towels out of the kindness of his heart.

In a stunning and unprecedented act of generosity, President Trump reportedly gifted hurricane-stricken Puerto Ricans with well over $7 worth of off-brand paper towels during a press conference on the island nation Tuesday. Defying conventional aid giving practice, Trump effectively shot-putted the paper towels into the crowd at a blistering rate. Also, in the wake of Donald’s act of charity, the President also reminded the Puerto Ricans that the recent category 5 hurricane that struck the island has caused the Federal Budget of the United States much fiscal strain. Thanks Mr. President for saying what we were all thinking:how dare those assholes allow themselves to be hit by a hurricane? Obviously, a wall needs to be built around the Puerto Rican island, one large enough in scope to prevent any future tragedy; that’s the only rational solution to any problem.

To add on to Trump’s latest PR masterpiece, the commander in chief  did not fail to remind the world that Hurricane Maria had nothing on Katrina. That statement was, of course, 100% relevant to the plight of those affected by recent natural disasters, and our Trumpian inspired “nothing was worse than Katrina” foreign aid policy should inspire United States decision makers for generations to come.


For some reason, Trump faced a lot of backlash from the FNM (Fake News Media). The mayor of San Juan, which to the Presidents bewilderment was the name of a city – not an actual person – immediately condemned our fearless leader, stating that:

“This terrible and abominable view of him throwing paper towels and throwing provisions at people, it does not embody the spirit of the American nation,” [Mayor Carmen Yulin] Cruz said. “That is not the land of the free and the home of the brave, that beacon of democracy that people have learned to look up to across the world.”

This blogger disagrees with Mayor Cruz (to the shock of the orange one, Mayor Cruz is not related to Ted), as in recent times, there is absolutely nothing that embodies the spirit of the American Government than being utterly oblivious and ignorant of all things that may resemble some aspect of common human decency. The President did the right thing, as even though Puerto Rico lacks the crucial resources to rebuild in the wake of disaster, they now at least have the tools available to build  paper towel forts or something.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s